Wednesday, December 19, 2007

"How to pimp a Camry?" and Other Stupid Queries

The search terms that bring strangers to Cosmic Cat are pretty tame compared to the ones some other bloggers share, but no less bizarre. As a public service of questionable value, I will share some of these queries along with some commentary. You know, to make it easy on the next people who land here looking for answers to life's quirky quandaries.

I hate to say it, but the most common search term that shows up on a very consistent basis is some variant of "pimp my Camry". Folks, I can make this real simple for you. You bought a Camry for cryin' out loud. They are comfortable cars. They are reliable and practical and affordable. They're kind of boring and that is why we buy them. They can't be pimped. Any attempt on your part to install curb feelers, fancy rims, or a homemade spoiler is just going to make your Camry look ridiculous.

"Cuban pork roast" - yes it is delicious, but if you are trying to find a recipe you'll have to look elsewhere.

"He's a lumberjack and he's OK" (and "lumberjack" and "guys chopping logs", etc.) - yes, he is. But I only admire them from a distance.

"Why do my bra straps fall down when I am walking?" - Probably because you bought that bra in the 90s. Get a new one that fits, and adjust the straps.

"saggy pants ban" - get a belt.

"Traveling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, boy" - no it ain't, especially if your hyperdrive is on the fritz.

"Would aspirin hurt a cat?" - probably, if you throw it hard enough.

"Touchdown Jesus lolcat" - almost certainly would be amusing, but never appeared on this blog.

"Tore up and tore up good" - what happens if you eat too much chili.

"Super size fake boobs" - Is the "freak of nature" size really necessary?

"Cat, no visible testicles" - dude, your cat is either (a)female, or (b)neutered.

"Cats digging in my pants" - not recommended.

"Albino worm/leech" - what the blister will look like if you burn your finger on a hot coffee mug, or an invertebrate lacking pigment.

"Cat flux" - the number of cats flowing through a unit area per unit time?

16 comments:

LL said...

Trust a physicist to come up with an actual plausible definition for "cat flux".

And I'm sorry about searching for super size fake boobs. If I'd have known it was going to link me here, I'd have never done it... maybe.

Now if you'll excuse me... I've got to go pimp my Camry...

dr sardonicus said...

I confess... I first came to your blog hoping to see pictures of super size fake boobs...

dr sardonicus said...

As for "cat flux" - you sure that was spelled right?

fermicat said...

Cat flux could also have been the integral of the cat vector over a surface, or a horrible disease of some sort. As for spelling, lets just say that a lot of entries have creative spelling and/or syntax.

Sorry to disappoint all of you who are looking for super size fake boobs. Mine are neither super sized, nor fake. Please drive through...

magnetbabe said...

Those are hilarious! I never get anything that good at my place. Our cat flux has been pretty high here as of late, but our delta(cats)/delta(time) has stayed pretty constant, thank goodness.

Ben O. said...

I always thought cat flux was that stuff that collects at the drain after washing the cat off.

I need to go back to school.

Ben O.

Dave said...

AT&T wireless broadband ate my comment. All of us commenting appear to have fixated on flux. Doc, at least in welding flux is something used to bond materials I immediately tried to relate it to cats. I guess glue would work.

wa11z said...

I HATE super size fake boobs. They are fine just the way they are. And my Camry got pimped right into a junkyard...

fermicat said...

magnetbabe - you get the "highest cat flux" prize.

ben o. - welcome! Your explanation is as good as any I've seen or thought of.

dave - I'm surprised that everyone is fixating on flux, and not the super size fake boobs. As for cats, their fur has similar properties to glue... sticks to every damn thing.

fermicat said...

wa11z - good man! But sorry about that Camry.

Jeni said...

Hmmm. Considering I actually did a post a while back (I think I did anyway) ranting about bra straps that won't stay up but I never got a search hit on it. I'm jealous! Some of the things people key into their searches though really make you wonder what the heck they are doing doesn't it?

Jim Donahue said...

Heh heh heh.

dr sardonicus said...

BTW, people, I know what flux is. This being the internets, one can never take anything for granted, and somebody could have inserted an extra "l" by mistake.

dr sardonicus said...

FYI, Google claims that one-third of all Internet searches are for porn.

tiff said...

'cat flux'? Heh.

I'm with you on the Camry thing. It's like me trying to pimp my Kia Optima. Can't be done.

fermicat said...

jeni - there were several bra-related searches (and I am not even counting the fake boobs ones here).

jim - you get the funniest searches of any blogger who is willing to post them.

dr s - 1/3 of the searches that send people to Cosmic Cat are related to Camry pimping.

tiff - Agreed, the Kia Optima is in the "unpimpable" category.