Monday, March 23, 2009

Guilt Trips

Things I feel guilty about, in no particular order:

- not studying nearly enough for my board exam coming up 5/31 - 6/2. I get home from work feeling so mentally fried that I don't even want to look at a book, much less open it and study. But the test is coming whether I have the mental energy to prep for it or not, and I have tons and tons of material to get through and be able to explain to an examiner (it is an oral exam). This guilt is strongly coupled with stress and dread.

- I feel some self-pressure to work more overtime to get projects done because I get interrupted with clinical duties all day and never get very far, although I am already putting in excess hours at work and doing more of this would exacerbate the "not studying enough" guilt described above. This is a no win situation, unless I can manufacture thirty hours from a twenty four hour day. But if I did, I would want that six hours for more sleep.

- I can't remember exactly when I last cooked something, although I vaguely recall not getting it ready until well after 9pm on an evening when we were both tired and hungry. PDM is doing far more than his share of the cooking, and when he doesn't cook we go out or order in. He's probably ahead on kitchen cleanup. We're about even on laundry, and neither of us is doing much of anything else around the house (and it shows). We haven't done anything to the yard either.

- there are a few other items that are private.

I know things will get better after my test, and this is just something to get through, but it doesn't make me feel any less guilty.

18 comments:

Red said...

((((((Fermi)))))
U should have told me you needed a kick in the ass, I just went through Atlanta

Jeni said...

I don't envy you one iota -trying to work, do things around the house and still squeeze in really important time for study. I went through that for the four years I was in college and it's not pretty, that I can attest to.

fermicat said...

Red - fear is a good motivator, and it will get stronger as I get closer to test time. I really don't want to do this twice.

Jeni - I am not exactly doing a bangup job of juggling everything. I drop balls all the time.

LL said...

You drop balls? I... erm... nah... too easy.

Things were looking up around here, then I did something that I knew I'd regret. I trimmed about 3 inches off the ol' beard. Just like clockwork, Saturday - 65 degrees, Sunday - 6 inches of snow. Never fails, so I'm keeping the hair long for now!

As for the studying just remember this... the quicker you start, the less you'll have to do at one sitting. Or you could remember this too... Hard work often pays off over time, but laziness always pays off right now. ;)

Kathleen said...

I had no clue you were Catholic! ;-) Let the guilt go. It's not like you're slacking for the sake of slacking - like me.

Red said...

I hate to say it, but I agree with LL. Cancel Monday night TV!!!! Hard work woman we need a great example of what a blogger can be. See... you can be a POSITIVE role model.

Natalie said...

Yuck, I didn't know it was an oral exam. But you'll get through everything. I have been feeling the same way about cooking and housework, but when I actually get time to do it, it feels good to do something that doesn't require so much damn thinking. I've been cooking a bunch of stuff in the crock pot on weekends and freezing it for dinners throughout the week. It works amazing. If you want any good recipes, let me know.

LL said...

I never said cancel Monday night... that's when Chuck, Heroes, and some old guy is on. Nahhh... dump Tuesday or Thursday instead. Or just... well... put it off until later.

fermicat said...

LL - I knew that someone would give me shit about the balls comment. And yes, laziness pays off immediately.

Kat - believe it or not, we non-practicing protestants can have guilt. We can even have guilt without sex!

Red - Noooooo, I can't give up the best night of TV.

Natalie - yes, an oral exam. Kind of like dealing with the police. You want to give a complete answer, but not a lot of extra stuff they can follow up on.

LL - Tuesday night TV is a wasteland. We ended up watching hockey. And yes, PDM cooked again. A pair of perfect NY strip steaks and some asparagus, all on the grill since it is springtime and warm enough to grill again.

Red said...

Eureka used to be on on Tuesday nights. That made it worth it.

Red said...

MMMMMK Fermi - look Kathleen dumped you with the entire responsibility of catblogging for this week! That means you got two cat posts to make, right?

Beth said...

Awww, that's no good. Guilt isn't really helpful. Looking back keeps us from seeing the fantastic present. When I find myself concentrating on the past, I remember, "Those who dwell live in hell." A little phrase from yours truly.

Be glad you have an equal partner who does cook. My husband just started learning how to cook after being together 23 years. I never thought he'd learn, so this is a good surprise.

Leave the guilt to murderers and rapists. They deserve it. You don't.

trinamick said...

Well, I occasionally fly first class on a guilt trip, but then I somehow lose my luggage and vow never to travel that way again.

Plus, it's 51 degrees here after a horrific 2 days of winter weather, AND I have 4 uninterrupted days ahead of me, so I fully intend to embrace the sunshine and wipe out all things I have put off.

Homework is not permitted to come first before TV on Monday night. I think it may be a law. At least that's what my handbook says.

fermicat said...

Red - I miss Eureka, but it will be back. And I will see what I can do for catblogging this week. No promises...

Beth - how is your husband doing with the cooking? Mine does it so much better than I do, it leaves little incentive for me to want to do it. Tonight I picked up barbecue on the way home. Easy!

Trina - we've got a solid block of rain days coming, so maybe I will be more in study mode with all outdoor activity automatically ruled out. That doesn't solve my Monday night TV temptation.

BC said...

Take a deep breath. Do homework during commercials. Or just make yourself one of those subliminal tapes to listen to while you sleep. Then blog about the nightmares later. :D

I have faith in you that you will overcome this just like you always have. Big hugs.

TheWriteGirl said...

I read as far as "mentally fried" and that was as far as I needed to go. No excuse necessary! Expunge all guilt that comes from this. Mental fried-ness has become my default position. I know, it's really hard to avoid the guilt but the mental fatigue is real. How did this happen? I keep asking myself but get no good answer.

fermicat said...

BC - I try to at least do something every night. Not always successfully. But hopefully it will be enough.

thewritegirl - I wonder about the fried feelings, too. It seems like I should be able to suck it up and handle the tough weeks, and I do get things done at work. Just don't feel so serene when I get home. I'm taking more naps than usual. Sometimes I just need to recharge.

TheWriteGirl said...

I wonder (perish the thought!) if it has something to do with not being 20 -- or 30 -- any more. It may be that we're coming to that time when priorities get re-evaluated. Oh my god, do you think we're actually growing up?