I am supposed to read a bible passage (Rev 7: 9-17) at Big Daddy's service on Saturday. Apparently, he chose what he wanted to have read at his funeral service, so I am happy to oblige. But I have read the passage that I am to recite at the service over and over, and I am still not sure what it means. And this bothers me. Why can't I understand it better?
I stopped going to church regularly when I was 20, in 1986. Before that, I went to Sunday school, church services Sunday morning and night, and Wednesday classes. Since then, I have attended church mostly for weddings and funerals, and occasionally just because. The last time I went to a church service that was not a wedding or a funeral, it was with Big Daddy. It was probably 3-4 years ago, and I knew he would enjoy taking me, so I invited myself along. I was raised in a sort of generic protestant denomination. My husband (PDM) was raised Catholic. Big Daddy was Episcopalian during the last years of his life (he used to go to the same church I grew up in, which was not episcopalian, but that was many years ago). PDM tried to help me interpret the verses, but I still don't claim to understand them.
Am I the only one feeling lost about this kind of thing? I am sure that the readings are supposed to make one feel better. I should feel comforted, but I don't. I can't wrap my mind around "forever" or "infinity", when I really try to. Is it easy for other people? It isn't for me - it is an existential struggle that I fight every day. What does it really mean? I have no idea. I wish I did.