Breakroom Bandits

What kind of person steals other people’s food from the office refrigerator? Before you answer that, let me clarify exactly what kind of theft we’re talking about here. The lunchroom looter(s) don’t just take “new” food. Oh no. They’ll consume anything, whether someone else has already eaten part of it or not. Writing your name on the package in big bold letters doesn't stop them, nor does adding a "please don't steal my food you pathetic loser" note. My co-workers have had all kinds of stuff disappear from there, including partially consumed drinks (backwash and all), half-eaten sandwiches, condiments, frozen dinners, you name it! I stopped using that particular fridge after the time I put some leftovers from lunch at a local Thai place in there, and two hours later when I went to retrieve it, it was gone. I was pissed!!!! Mostly because it had taken a lot of willpower not to eat the whole thing at lunch. It was so good that I wanted to bring a little bit home for PDM to taste, so I saved about a quarter of it and got a to-go box. I hope the jerk who stole my leftovers got the surprise of his or her life when they discovered the “Chinese food” they stole was extra-spicy Thai basil leaves and pork.

But seriously, who does this kind of thing? I’d never dream of stealing someone else’s food, mainly because it is wrong, but also because I don’t want to eat anything that might be loaded with cooties. Plus, you don’t know if the person left their mayonnaise out of the fridge too long, or how long those leftovers have been sitting around, or how clean their kitchens and hands were when they fixed it, or whether they let their dog take a lick or two. And eating something that has clearly already been chowed down on is just gross. It's tempting to fix up a little something "special" for them to steal, to discourage them from trying it again. A bout of severe intestinal distress might make 'em think twice the next time they are eyeing some vittles that belong to someone else.